Check Yourself

Last summer I got into a bad habit. I would often eat a full bag of jelly babies on the way to a gig (I'm paying for that now, every time I try on an old shirt). They weren't massive party bags, but the size I bought was probably meant for more than one person.

I stopped after a certain party.

I arrived at a house in Glasgow, in the height of summer, full of jelly babies and sweating in the heat. I went to the door and introduced myself. The kids were in the back garden, waiting for my show to begin, but before I set up, the birthday girl's mum stopped me, and said ‘Would you like to use the bathroom first?’

I often arrive at a gig early, and use the bathroom before I get started, so I said yes please, but I did think it was unusual that she would offer this, unsolicited.

I left my equipment downstairs and headed up to the bathroom.

When I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and saw what she had seen.

I was sweaty, shiny with it, and the area between my nose and upper lip was covered in white powder! She must have thought I had turned up ‘under the influence’.

The jelly babies I used to buy were covered in a white talcum powder-like substance. I assume to stop them all sticking together in the packet, but on this day, some of that had found its way beneath my nose 👃

It wasn't a good look.

I washed up (face as well as hands) went down, and I did make a casual remark about the sweets I had eaten on the way… I think she believed me.

Nowadays, I only eat in the car on very long journeys, and it's usually something less messy, like soup or something… that's a joke.